i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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