i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
