So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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