; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
