You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
