I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
