I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
operation harelip BJ is a go
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
