Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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