I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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