Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
