I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
