also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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