Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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