My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
