Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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