did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
