I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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