i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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