you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
