So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
