3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bring money and cleavage
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
