biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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