you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
