Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
