I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
