We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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