i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
