Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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