Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
