Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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