how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
