He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
