i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
