we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
