Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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