I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
