I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
