Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
