my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
