Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
