The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
