ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
