Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
