What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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