Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
