I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
