My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
