So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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