She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
