That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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