i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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